Us: Thank you for the chance to ask you a few questions.

Him: You’re welcome. I’d never miss an opportunity for publicity. And I can be available for pictures afterwards.

Us: Let’s get started. Your “Amazing Belly Blaster Weight Loss Miracle Plan for Celebrities.” How can I take part in the plan?

Him: Are you a celebrity?

Us: No.

Him: Then you can’t.

Us: Maybe after this interview?

Him: Well, I have been known to turn people into celebrities!

Us: Vaccinations? Have your children been vaccinated against measles?

Him: Yes.

Us: Aren’t you concerned about the possible consequence of their becoming autistic.

Him: Like any other concerned, responsible, rational parent, of course I am. That’s why, to mitigate the possible consequences, we also administer a homeopathic remedy designed to prevent and reverse the symptoms of autism.

Us: Is it working?

Him: Well, they don’t have autism…

Us: O.K. then. Moving on- a recent show had the title “Are E-Cigarettes Dangerous?” Are they?

Him: Not the ones that I endorse.

Us: And lastly, about the “Dr. Oz Endorsed Brain Pills that Billionaires Take.”

Him: What about them?

Us: Does Donald Trump take them?

Him: Yes!

Us: Nevermind…

Update: Probable show titles if Dr. Oz was a physicist (or just played one on TV).

“The amazing, miracle data transforming technique used by celebrity supersymmetric particle theorists”

“Celebrity string theorist Michio Kaku and his multi-dimensional relationship with the God particle”

“Celebrity theoretical physicists talk about their appearances on The Big Bang Theory ”

“If the Higgs is God’s particle, just whose particle is the pentaquark?”