LHC Mayhem

Why is this thing even being allowed to exist?

Just search Google, and maybe Bing, for “LHC earthquakes Nepal.” Not only is this thing responsible for the Nepal earthquakes, the first of which occurred exactly when it was first switched back on, but also an earthquake in Japan and a volcanic eruption in Chile.

There were also disturbances and UFO sightings at the “Doorway to the Devil” in Bolivia, but details are being suppressed, probably by Obama and the United Nations, and are hard to come by.

According to Hawking the collapse of the Higgs field is now imminent which will allow the God particle to run amok and obliterate the entire universe in an instant. It’s also messing with the magnetosphere and threatens to break down the barrier that God (in his infinite wisdom) has placed between us and all extra dimensions, alternate realities, and parallel universes.

When they aim it downward towards the center of the earth (their ultimate goal- ushering in the final battle between the God particle and their hypothesized Devil particle) it will open a portal directly to the gates of hell. And then there’s something called a hadron stargate which I can’t even begin to comprehend.

Update: Wait- now I just read that a Pakistani cleric said that the earthquakes occurred because women wear jeans- now I don’t know what to believe…

Update 2: There was an earthquake in Malaysia that wasn’t caused by the LHC. A mountain god took offense to a number of college students climbing his mountain and taking their clothes off. Six days later he responded with an earthquake. He was appeased by jailing four of the students for three days and fining them each $1300.

Update 3: They just announced that they made their Devil particle. They’re calling it a “pentaquark”- “penta” as in Satanic.