Us: Thank you for the chance to ask you a few questions.
Him: You’re welcome. I’d never miss an opportunity for publicity. And I can be available for pictures afterwards.
Us: Let’s get started. Your “Amazing Belly Blaster Weight Loss Miracle Plan for Celebrities.” How can I take part in the plan?
Him: Are you a celebrity?
Him: Then you can’t.
Us: Maybe after this interview?
Him: Well, I have been known to turn people into celebrities!
Us: Vaccinations? Have your children been vaccinated against measles?
Us: Aren’t you concerned about the possible consequence of their becoming autistic.
Him: Like any other concerned, responsible, rational parent, of course I am. That’s why, to mitigate the possible consequences, we also administer a homeopathic remedy designed to prevent and reverse the symptoms of autism.
Us: Is it working?
Him: Well, they don’t have autism…
Us: O.K. then. Moving on- a recent show had the title “Are E-Cigarettes Dangerous?” Are they?
Him: Not the ones that I endorse.
Us: And lastly, about the “Dr. Oz Endorsed Brain Pills that Billionaires Take.”
Him: What about them?
Us: Does Donald Trump take them?
Update: Probable show titles if Dr. Oz was a physicist (or just played one on TV).
“The amazing, miracle data transforming technique used by celebrity supersymmetric particle theorists”
“Celebrity string theorist Michio Kaku and his multi-dimensional relationship with the God particle”
“Celebrity theoretical physicists talk about their appearances on The Big Bang Theory ”
“If the Higgs is God’s particle, just whose particle is the pentaquark?”
Just search Google, and maybe Bing, for “LHC earthquakes Nepal.” Not only is this thing responsible for the Nepal earthquakes, the first of which occurred exactly when it was first switched back on, but also an earthquake in Japan and a volcanic eruption in Chile.
There were also disturbances and UFO sightings at the “Doorway to the Devil” in Bolivia, but details are being suppressed, probably by Obama and the United Nations, and are hard to come by.
According to Hawking the collapse of the Higgs field is now imminent which will allow the God particle to run amok and obliterate the entire universe in an instant. It’s also messing with the magnetosphere and threatens to break down the barrier that God (in his infinite wisdom) has placed between us and all extra dimensions, alternate realities, and parallel universes.
When they aim it downward towards the center of the earth (their ultimate goal- ushering in the final battle between the God particle and their hypothesized Devil particle) it will open a portal directly to the gates of hell. And then there’s something called a hadron stargate which I can’t even begin to comprehend.
Update: Wait- now I just read that a Pakistani cleric said that the earthquakes occurred because women wear jeans- now I don’t know what to believe…
Update 2: There was an earthquake in Malaysia that wasn’t caused by the LHC. A mountain god took offense to a number of college students climbing his mountain and taking their clothes off. Six days later he responded with an earthquake. He was appeased by jailing four of the students for three days and fining them each $1300.
Update 3: They just announced that they made their Devil particle. They’re calling it a “pentaquark”- “penta” as in Satanic.
RCW 120 is an HII emission nebula in the constellation Scorpio. At a distance of about 4,300 light-years it is also known as Sh 2-3, Gum 58, and the Green Ring Nebula.
There is an embryonic star located in the dense white area at the bottom edge of the ring. This proto-star, currently at 10 solar masses, will continue to grow by accreting more of the surrounding gas and dust. When the star ignites, likely in the next few hundred thousand years, it will become one of the brightest stars in the Galaxy.
This painting is based on an image taken by the Hershel space telescope early in its lifetime.
The opening line from the Certificate of Authenticity- signed by Lederman- emphasis mine-
The 1988 Nobel Prize in Physics, awarded to particle physicist Leon Lederman for his discovery of the muon neutrino, a particle 200 times the size of an electron.
I sent the auction house an email informing them of the error- the muon neutrino is actually smaller, mass-wise, than an electron by a factor of approximately one million. I never heard back; you would think that any factual error on a Certificate of Authenticity would be a concern. I guess a large commission and a 20% buyer’s premium is more important than scientific accuracy.